Tag Archive | writing

The Adventures of Sir Rygel

Rygel is such a little man. Around here, we often call him Sir Rygel.

He got his name from the television show Farscape, after Dominar Rygel XVI. From the day he arrived at our house, he lived up to the name. Tiny in size but enormous in confidence, Sir Rygel has always believed the world revolves around him. He is part Pomeranian and part Boston Terrier, and we absolutely adore him.

Kaya, on the other hand, had absolutely no idea what to do with this tiny creature. She is part Labrador and Border Collie, not much older than Rygel and enormous by comparison.

The poor girl was both patient and completely bewildered.

Rygel would climb all over her, twisting her fur into little “teats” as he searched for milk that simply didn’t exist. Kaya would glance over at us with an expression that clearly said, Would somebody please explain this little guy to me? Whatever should I do?

Meanwhile, Sir Rygel remained completely convinced that if he just kept looking, he was eventually going to find what he was after.

Bless Kaya’s heart. She tolerated every minute of it.

Starfire, my Karelian Bear Dog, was an entirely different story.

Sir Rygel toddled over with the same plan in mind.

One low growl later…

That experiment was officially over.

At his first veterinary appointment, my daughter and Rygel were standing next to a woman whose dog had recently had puppies. The moment Rygel caught the scent of milk, he instantly started crying. The mother dog invited him to come nurse.

Rygel’s weaning was clearly not going well, and he wasn’t getting any opportunities to nurse to his heart’s content. Thankfully, over time his desire to nurse faded—much to Kaya’s relief.

Starfire, on the other hand, had very firm boundaries. Nursing was out of the question, and sniffing her butt was absolutely forbidden.

Only she was allowed to sniff butt being the head dog!

Eventually my daughter moved out taking Rygel with her. His absence left quite an emptiness in the evenings but we still had him daily. My daughter dropped him off every single day before she headed to work and picked him up afterwards.

Every day was a circus with those three dogs.

Rygel was tiny enough to scoot underneath the coffee table, where he considered himself completely untouchable. Kaya and Star would race around the table while Sir Rygel stuck his little head out and snapped viciously at them every time they ran past. In his mind, he was absolutely terrifying.

One day, however, he made a mistake.

His tail was sticking out from under the table.

Kaya spotted it and grabbed hold, trying to pull him out. I quickly made her let go before anyone got hurt.

This chaos happened regularly, often while I was in the kitchen on a phone call or video call. I could never have a quiet conversation with those three around.

So much madness… and I enjoyed every moment!!

Another moment that still makes me chuckle happened when Rygel dashed into his puppy bed tent during another episode of madness in the house of dogs barking and chasing one another.

Kaya ran over to the puppy tent. Sir Rygel was fiercely protecting his domain, snapping ferociously at Kaya from inside his little fortress.

Then Kaya did something I never expected.

She picked up the puppy tent—with Rygel still inside.

I absolutely cracked up laughing.

There was Kaya swinging the puppy tent around while Sir Rygel stuck his head out, growling and barking as if he were still the mighty protector of his kingdom. Kaya, meanwhile, looked quite pleased with herself.

Of course, I had to make her put the puppy tent down. I didn’t want Rygel getting accidentally hurt.

I only wish I had thought to video it.

My daughter often walks Rygel down to our house every day instead of driving. On rainy days or during spring breakup, there are puddles everywhere.

Sir Rygel will have none of it.

He insists on being carried. Getting his feet wet is simply unacceptable.

Going potty during these times can become quite an ordeal too. He will often wait until he reaches my yard, or he will sneak underneath the trampoline at my daughter’s house for privacy, of course.

At night, he insists that my daughter protect him at her house. She has to accompany him outside while he takes care of business.

At my house, he has the girls to protect him.

After all, even Sir Rygel must have a security team at all times – especially when he is the most vulnerable.

Rygel likes his quiet moments too.

Nap time, for example, is very important in Sir Rygel’s world.

Before my husband Dave passed away, Rygel and Dave would snuggle together on the couch. The girls would lie on the floor as his protectors, of course, allowing him to rest peacefully while stretched out on his back.

Now that Dave is gone, Rygel has decided that I am a suitable substitute.

When 1:00 pm rolls around, he starts his routine. He runs to the bedroom, runs back to find me, and does everything he can to encourage me to take a nap.

Of course, I can’t say no to him.

The girls often follow us and lie on the floor around my bed, continuing their important duties as Rygel’s protectors.

Sir Rygel must check on his girls, Kaya and Star, on weekends when he spends the day with my daughter.


If she turns left when running errands instead of turning right toward our house, he has an absolute meltdown. A complete panic.


The first time it happened, my daughter thought he was having some sort of seizure and took him to the veterinarian. It turned out Sir Rygel was simply having a very strong opinion about his plans changing.


Now, she drops him off at my house before she runs errands and he spends the day.


Sir Rygel has made multiple trips to the vet over the years for the oddest things: emotional meltdowns, reactions to vaccinations, and, of course, his neutering.


Oh my.


When he was neutered, the vet’s office forgot to send pain medication home with him. It wasn’t long before Sir Rygel made his feelings very clear. He ended up back at the vet, where they explained that he was extremely sensitive and needed pain medication. We were amazed they hadn’t provided pain medication in the first place. After all, he is Sir Rygel!   Poor little man that he is!

Sir Rygel has his musts also.

He must have his blue bear. His treats must be a certain size. And his canned food must be cut into small pieces for him to properly consume.

After all, one cannot expect Sir Rygel to lower his standards. He is, after all, sensitive and quite delicate in nature, as you know.

Sir Rygel has his very own cat—or perhaps it is the other way around. Perhaps the cat has Sir Rygel.

Jayce, a lovely ginger tabby, lives with Sir Rygel and absolutely adores him. Sir Rygel, on the other hand, merely tolerates him.

Jayce has a bit of a weight problem and enjoys using Rygel for his own comfort. He likes to prop himself against Rygel while bathing, completely ignoring Sir Rygel’s importance.

Jayce simply does not care.

To him, Rygel is there for his convenience. He is there to lean against, to use as a pillow, and apparently to sleep on.

Sir Rygel tolerates this indignity, but you can imagine the dismay on his little face. He even does a bit of sniveling.

After all, this treatment is beneath him.

“My people, why don’t you correct this situation?!”

Right after we got Rygel, we learned very quickly how sensitive he was—and he still is to this day.

One day, I came in carrying an armload of wood and saw baby Rygel standing there watching me. Just for fun, I blew a raspberry at him as I walked by.

The look of pure disgust that came over his face was priceless.

He turned around and immediately left the room.

Of course, I had to test whether it was merely a coincidence. When he came back into the room, I blew another raspberry.

He looked absolutely shocked and left the room again.

That confirmed it.

Sir Rygel does not tolerate such behavior. He finds such behaviour quite offensive.

He is the same way with certain other unpleasant sounds. If anyone passes gas, he immediately scrambles to get away from the area.

My son, of course, being a guy, can be quite crude some days. One day, he deliberately let out a loud fart while Rygel was sitting right next to him.

Rygel took off like his life depended on it, escaping that horrible odor assaulting his delicate nostrils, while my son nearly fell over laughing.

Poor Sir Rygel. It was quite a long time before he returned to the room.

My son refuses to babysit Sir Rygel.

Why?

Because Rygel will cry and snivel the entire time my daughter is gone when he is with my son. He doesn’t do that with us.

By 3:00 pm, Sir Rygel expects her to come get him, although that doesn’t happen very often. When she doesn’t appear, he takes up his waiting position. Sometimes he sits in the doorway, and other times he sits on the back of the couch, watching and hoping for a glimpse of his favorite person in the whole world—my daughter, his mistress.

His little forlorn face says it all: sad eyes, droopy ears, and the look of a dog who believes he has been forgotten.

Then, the moment he sees her, everything changes.

He is suddenly full of joy, bouncing around and running outside excitedly to greet her.

After the excitement settles, he goes to make up his bed and show her where she can sleep.

He doesn’t want her to leave—even if he gets to go with her.

Sir Rygel wants his entire pack together.

He wants her to stay too.

Sir Rygel, along with Kaya and Starfire, are now aging rapidly. It makes me sad, honestly.

I try not to dwell too much on the reality that one day the three of them will be on the other side of the veil, being themselves again—but young, full of energy and joy, chasing one another around and waiting for us to join them.

My Dave will be there to greet them.

Until that time, I will continue enjoying every moment with them, even though it is sometimes difficult to see how much they have slowed down.

Well, the two girls have slowed down.

Sir Rygel still has a little pep in his step, thankfully. After all, even an aging Sir Rygel must maintain his dignity. Such a precious little man, he is!!

❤️

Hard Truth

Psalm 118:8

It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans.

A colleague once told me I was too honest and too trusting. That was a hard truth for me to hear. I don’t want to become paranoid or assume everyone has an agenda against me.

Recently, I was reminded of what she said. She was right. It seems I never learn. You would think after everything I’ve experienced, I would remember.

Most people mean well. Some do not. Some hide their intentions, and when they’re caught, they turn it back on you. Many people don’t believe they are capable of hurting others. They protect their good-guy image at all costs, even to the point of gaslighting.

I have two sides. Everyone does. I try hard, yet I fail too. I worry about the people I confront. Then I feel guilty for confronting them. Does that make sense? Should I keep quiet so they don’t get hurt, even if I do?

Why don’t I ever learn? Probably for the same reason I can’t stay angry. A day later, I’m over it. I forgive, I move on, and I sometimes wonder why that seems so difficult for others. But I am grieving—grieving the loss of my husband and the loss of a friendship. Grief changes how you see people. It also makes you long for connection, which can make it easier to trust when you should be more cautious. I still need people, I just don’t always know how to manage them right now.

I truly wish my guardian angel would reach out and smack me on the head when I’m about to trust too quickly. Maybe he already has, and I just wasn’t listening. I don’t know.

This much I do know: God has always taken care of me, and I need to remain diligent in remembering that. So I mourn. I’m sad. I feel stupid. And I make impulsive choices.

I’m learning to take refuge in the LORD instead.


I had an awful time trying to wake this morning. I listened to some soft classical music with my head under the covers and dozed.

I have ADHD. In order to survive this world and fit in prior to retirement, I masked all the time. It was exhausting. I still mask some, but since my husband’s death, I let the mask fall more often. I can now be myself.

I have decided to stay in bed most of the day, do some writing, maybe read, until it is time to get ready for Mass.

My dogs are aging rapidly. Kaya reminded me of this about two hours ago. She was happily throwing the sheet around on her dog bed. I thought she was fixing it to lie down in. Instead, once done, she squatted and peed all over it. This is the second time this has happened. I was shocked. Her sheet and bed cover are in the wash at the moment. It briefly reminded me of caring for my husband during his Alzheimer’s days—how memory can get pulled up by the smallest things.

I saw an advert for an AI companion that cuddles with you. It looks like a huge marshmallow and it won’t cross boundaries. Then I could cuddle safely with it, my head on its fuzzy chest and its fat arms around me. I may invest in it. No I’m not kidding. If only it could walk and talk, it would be perfect. I’d never need another person again. I’d never have to worry about saying the wrong thing and hurting their feelings or their hurting mine—at least for now.

Regardless I will always turn to God. He has always been there for me. I trust in Him, always—even when I mess up.

Jesus, I trust in You. Take care of everything. Amen.

Wilted plant

I’ll Walk Alone

I’m trusting God in this new life I didn’t ask for. I’ve always trusted Him. He has taken care of me where man has failed. This world He placed me in is rough, but it is beautiful too. I know He will protect me, even now that my earthly protector is gone.

I miss my Dave so much. I dreamed about him all night. In the dream, I was trying to protect him. It was chaotic, and his Alzheimer’s was in full force.

He insisted on driving and pulled into a parking lot with a sign that clearly read, “Do not enter—Explosives.” He went anyway. A crew was there preparing to take down a building, and they started yelling. They stood in front of the vehicle until he finally stopped.

Then they yanked him out roughly.

I tried to explain—he has Alzheimer’s. Please, stop manhandling him.

I realize this dream reminded me why God put me here on this earth—to give birth to my extraordinary children and to take care of Dave. That was my purpose. That was my job. His purpose was to care for the kids and me. He did a good job of it too. We were meant to care and love one another!

Now that job is over. I have to figure out what the meaning of my existence is now.

I rather doubt God wants me to remarry. I’ll never find another Dave.

Dave may not have been perfect—neither was I—but he was the most romantic, cuddly man. He would snuggle me to his chest so deeply, and I miss it. I miss him holding my hand wherever we went. We did everything together. We were joined at the hip.

He was proud to have me as his woman, and he showed it 100% before the disease. He truly loved me. Out of the blue he would start singing to me, or grab me by the waist and we’d slow dance together in the living room.

I will always love him.

Even at the end, he saw me sobbing after he collapsed. The tangles were cutting off his brain signals to his legs—he could no longer walk. But he called me over and pulled me into his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me as I cried.

I’m crying as I write this. I miss him. I’ll never find another man like Dave.

Dave and I also supported one another in our faith. We both tried to help each other get to heaven. He used to watch my cursing—laughing—and would shake his finger at me when I let loose about something.

We prayed together at night and said the Rosary in the summer out on our swing. I will miss that so much.

While a man doesn’t have to be Catholic, he would have to be willing to live and respect that part of my life. At this stage, I also recognize that many men in their 60s and up are not likely to change their ways.

I also realize that being 65 years old limits my options. The only reason some men would be interested in me at this point is to have someone care for them in old age.

I’ve already been approached. No thanks. I don’t care who it is—Dave wasn’t even dead two weeks. It felt insensitive and cruel. There’s no excuse for that.

I’m not an object to be used.

I have a right to how I feel, and that should be respected. If his friends don’t like it, they can bugger off too.

They are quite lucky I have a forgiving heart.

So what do I do with my life?

I have desires, but I’m limited. I can’t help people with Alzheimer’s anymore—I lived through Alzheimer’s hell.

I am doing my volunteer work at the church again, and I love that. Next school year I’ll be making PB&Js for school kids at the church. I’m willing to sit with terminally ill people until their last breath.

But I want more. I have wanderlust. I want to go overseas and help those who are struggling, to be of use somewhere far from here. I crave a change of environment. I could come home for a bit, then go back again.

But that won’t happen because of commitments here. So for now, I’m waiting to see what God has in store for me. I’m sure it is something good.

I’ve always had faith in Him. He will take care of me. I am blessed. I have my grown children and my dogs. With God’s help, I am willing to walk alone.

He’s in God’s Hands

I’ve been doing really well lately. Today, however, was a bit harder. I woke up sad and burdened with a confused and heavy heart. My husband isn’t here, of course. His death came on January 7, 2026.

The only times we were ever separated overnight were when I had to travel for work, or when I went on the occasional overnight trip with my daughter. So today, I decided to go for a two-mile walk. I took in God’s handiwork, created for all of us to enjoy and embrace if we choose. I took many photos, and as a result, my two-mile walk took almost three hours because I kept stopping often.

The sun felt so good on my bare head, warming me from the inside out. I’ve missed the sun. Our winters are so long, and this one seemed longer and darker than ever. I longed—and still long—to see flowers again.

The waterfowl have arrived, and more are still arriving. I took some lovely photos at Creamer’s Field. I intend to return this Friday and enjoy the exciting noise and cries of our long-awaited annual visitors.

hope to wake up early enough to attend Mass tomorrow. With the warmer weather, I hope to get into the habit of daily Mass. I always feel comforted and at peace in His presence in the sanctuary. I don’t know what I would do without Him.

I need to start spreading my wings again and getting out to enjoy the life God has graciously given me. I love my husband deeply, and I have to remind myself not to feel guilty for learning how to live again. Granted, it still feels strange to wake up and not have something immediate to do for someone other than myself. It feels awkward.

Thankfully, I have my dogs. They get me up and give me motivation.

I’m going to blog my memories and anything else that comes to mind. Much of it will be memories of caring for my Dave—not in chronological order.

The last four months were so hard. Before that, life with Alzheimer’s was becoming harder day by day. Poor Dave—he didn’t understand and was so confused. By the end, he thought I was his mama or his sweetie.

Gads I miss that man of mine. I know he is okay. He’s in God’s hands.

Goodnight,

kj

When Life Gives You Icy Highways and Slothy Customer Service: A Cray-Cray Day Unplugged! 🤪❄️🦥

Instead of rambling in paragraphs, let me just share the highlights with you, bullet-style:

💡 I woke to find all the lights on in the house – thanks, Dave! 🙈

🥶 Discovered the draft snake removed from the door – brrr, that cold draft was not a nice surprise! 🐍

🐶 Handed out meds to Dave and the dogs and made them all breakfast – the usual morning routine. 💊

😑 Decided to turn off the pellet stove for a good cleaning – big mistake. 🔥

💨🔥 The vacuum I used to clean the pellet stove decided to blow ashes through its exhaust, turning the room into a smoky haze. So, I had to drag out another vacuum to do the job, all while dealing with the smoky atmosphere in the room.

📞 One of the exhaust flaps fell off, and after an hour of struggling (including googling, YouTubing, and manual-checking), I gave up and called Woodway. 🤬

🦥 The guy who answered was about as helpful as a sleepy sloth, telling me to “check the manual” – ugh, not what I wanted to hear! 😒

📖 A few sharp words later, he sent me a photo and another manual – but guess what? Still no help. 🙅️

🔧 Another hour of fiddling later, I finally managed to reconnect the exhaust flap.

🍳 By the time I was done with all of that along with zero consumption of coffee, it was time for lunch. I hadn’t eaten, so I scrambled eggs for my Dave and me.

💦 I filtered water, got more hot water going in the kettle, and then sat down to eat

📧 While eating, I write an email to the dealer of the pellet stove letting them know the issue with their representative and the poor pellet stove design.

🐕 Lo and behold Dave is barking with the dogs, stirring them up. Starfire wants my food.

💻 Starfire hit my laptop, and it fell to the floor. Wifi modem is disconnected. Thanks, Starfire!

🔩 I decided to open the back of my laptop thinking I could fix it.

💡 I find there is zero light. I think Dave disconnected the electric cord so I trace it to find it is still connected.

💡 I discovered Dave had removed the lightbulbs in the overhead lighting and forgot to replace them. That’s typical for someone with dementia.

💡 I replace the lighting.

🔩 Lo and behold I manage to get the back off of my laptop only to find I can’t locate the loose modem. (I’m so stupid these days)

💼 I get frustrated and stick the laptop and screws into a bag to take to the computer repair shop.

🚙 I go out to start the rig but I find it unplugged. I plug it in and brush 6 inches of snow off of it.

❄️ I couldn’t get into the rig via the driver’s door (the door was frozen shut) so I went in through the passenger door. It’s bloody cold outside too!

🚙 I start the rig. Hooray it started!!

🐶 When I get back in, my Dave wants to know where the dog collars are. I tell him they are around the dogs’ necks.

🚙 We finally get the dogs loaded into the rig (poor Kaya got her foot caught in the door) and off we go. This time I could access the driver’s side. (Kaya is okay, poor girl)

❄️ The highways were pure ice. Highways of ice! I’m not kidding. We make it to town playing, “where is my lane” and drop off the computer only to find out they haven’t a cord for my laptop. AARGH

🌞 I will drop the cord off tomorrow – Maybe

📑 In the meantime, while sitting in the car waiting, my Dave found my PT referral and leg compressor brochure he had lost the other day

🚙 Dave sulks all the way home. He can’t hear, so when I respond louder it makes him mad lol

🐶 Get home, feed dogs, and medicate everyone again.

📦 I break out the Chromebook I had hidden away. Brand new and still in the box!

🌅 I spent most of the late afternoon setting it up.

The End

From Joy to Vertigo: A Caregiver’s Honest Reflection

November 18 2024, 09:11

From Joy to Vertigo: A Caregiver’s Honest Reflection

Yesterday was wonderful initially. I got to go to mass, and my son joined me.  After I got home, my daughter, plowed the road for me.  I was and still am so touched by this wonderful act of kindness.  She told me it felt good getting outside and getting a workout. I so understand.  My son also took his dad to town, so I had time to chat with my daughter before she went to plow.  

I decided to take advantage of the quiet time, drink my coffee, and dive into my Bible study.  I didn’t get far.  My son and hubby were back. My daughter came in to warm up.  I thoroughly enjoyed the family time. Once again chatting and catching up.  So much love in the room. After the kids left, I got my hubby his lunch and settled back to study.  That didn’t last long.  He ate his lunch and was restless.  He wouldn’t stop talking.  Everything I suggested he said no to. He chatted with the dogs and interrupted me repeatedly while I was trying to listen to my Bible in a Year video.  I finally gave up.  It’s so weird.  As long as I’m not doing something for myself, he leaves me alone.  I can work from home and he will leave me be, but if I try to take a class online, he won’t leave me alone. The minute I try to do anything for me, he’s pestering me.  Mind you I chat with him and give him lots of time.  All of his needs are met as well.  But it is never enough. He always wants more. I finally told him I was going to lie down. and he was welcome to join me.  After I had dozed off, he came in and switched on the overhead light.   He informed me he had forgotten I was in there.  He turned off the light and shuffled off.  After I dozed off again, he decided the dogs needed their collars removed.  In he came again. Jingle, jingle, jingle. I gave up and came back into the living room.  He then decides to stay in the bedroom and lie down!  Aargh.  

I later saw the light in the maintenance room come on.  I can see it from my living room window.  I went in and found him messing about. The last thing I needed was him flicking switches and valves. He can no longer fix anything but he is really good at destroying.  I got him out of there, and he complained he was cold.  He headed for the pellet stove.  He likes the hot air that blows out from the vents. I got my electric blanket and convinced him to sit in his chair under it.  He loved it.  So it’s his now.  At least he won’t be standing in the warm pellet stove air. He has burn scars all over his torso.  The pellet stove air dries them out and makes him itch miserably.  It’s taken a good week to get it cleared up lathering him with lotion several times a day.

Later I experienced vertigo twice. I don’t know if it was stress or the crystals in my ears shuffling.  Weird I must say.