Tag Archive | grief

When Everything Becomes Loss

May12

Loss is a dark shadow that follows everyone. Unfortunately, some people experience it more often than others. Most loss comes with grief that never fully lets up. It stays every single day, reminding us of what we lost. Sometimes it is death, divorce, a lover, a friend, financial loss, or even the loss of passion. The list can go on.

I’ve experienced the loss of everything I listed. These losses domino into more losses — future plans, dreams, and the life you thought you would have. Unfortunately, it is part of life. Life equals death. Death equals loss. It all equates to life — a never-ending process of grieving that becomes part of living itself.

Today I slept. Sleep makes loss more bearable. I don’t have to think. And when I do have to think, at least I can write. Writing seems to help. It’s a release for me.

Life seems surreal, especially since the death of my husband and now the loss of a recent friendship too. My brain is spinning. It analyzes everything. Even when I think I’m not thinking, my subconscious is. Several days later my brain will suddenly spit something out I hadn’t consciously been thinking about, and out it comes. It can be maddening.

My companions, Starfire and Kaya, are aging rapidly. Both are 13 years old. Deep in my heart, I know they too will be gone soon enough. I dread the day they leave me. I think perhaps I’ll get another dog and a kitty for companionship, but then I’m just setting myself up for more loss. I’m beginning to feel like it might be safer not to open myself up so freely again. I’d rather build a wall around myself — minus the drawbridge and moat — than let myself love too deeply again, because when I love, I give my heart 100%. And when they are gone, it feels like a piece of it goes with them.

I thought about hopping on a plane today and just leaving for a while. Going somewhere no one knows me. A different environment. Thanks to the cost of fuel right now, that’s out of the question. I guess that can equate to another loss.

So I’ve come to the conclusion, for now, that life is death — the death of family, lovers, friendships, happy futures, and dreams, and how we deal with them. It feels like everything meaningful eventually becomes something I have to let go of, and I have to learn to live with it. Loss never ends, and neither does learning. I find myself in a place where I feel more guarded with my heart, holding tightly to what I already have.

He’s in God’s Hands

Apr29

I’ve been doing really well lately. Today, however, was a bit harder. I woke up sad and burdened with a confused and heavy heart. My husband isn’t here, of course. His death came on January 7, 2026.

The only times we were ever separated overnight were when I had to travel for work, or when I went on the occasional overnight trip with my daughter. So today, I decided to go for a two-mile walk. I took in God’s handiwork, created for all of us to enjoy and embrace if we choose. I took many photos, and as a result, my two-mile walk took almost three hours because I kept stopping often.

The sun felt so good on my bare head, warming me from the inside out. I’ve missed the sun. Our winters are so long, and this one seemed longer and darker than ever. I longed—and still long—to see flowers again.

The waterfowl have arrived, and more are still arriving. I took some lovely photos at Creamer’s Field. I intend to return this Friday and enjoy the exciting noise and cries of our long-awaited annual visitors.

hope to wake up early enough to attend Mass tomorrow. With the warmer weather, I hope to get into the habit of daily Mass. I always feel comforted and at peace in His presence in the sanctuary. I don’t know what I would do without Him.

I need to start spreading my wings again and getting out to enjoy the life God has graciously given me. I love my husband deeply, and I have to remind myself not to feel guilty for learning how to live again. Granted, it still feels strange to wake up and not have something immediate to do for someone other than myself. It feels awkward.

Thankfully, I have my dogs. They get me up and give me motivation.

I’m going to blog my memories and anything else that comes to mind. Much of it will be memories of caring for my Dave—not in chronological order.

The last four months were so hard. Before that, life with Alzheimer’s was becoming harder day by day. Poor Dave—he didn’t understand and was so confused. By the end, he thought I was his mama or his sweetie.

Gads I miss that man of mine. I know he is okay. He’s in God’s hands.

Goodnight,

kj

From Joy to Vertigo: A Caregiver’s Honest Reflection

Dec3

November 18 2024, 09:11

From Joy to Vertigo: A Caregiver’s Honest Reflection

Yesterday was wonderful initially. I got to go to mass, and my son joined me.  After I got home, my daughter, plowed the road for me.  I was and still am so touched by this wonderful act of kindness.  She told me it felt good getting outside and getting a workout. I so understand.  My son also took his dad to town, so I had time to chat with my daughter before she went to plow.  

I decided to take advantage of the quiet time, drink my coffee, and dive into my Bible study.  I didn’t get far.  My son and hubby were back. My daughter came in to warm up.  I thoroughly enjoyed the family time. Once again chatting and catching up.  So much love in the room. After the kids left, I got my hubby his lunch and settled back to study.  That didn’t last long.  He ate his lunch and was restless.  He wouldn’t stop talking.  Everything I suggested he said no to. He chatted with the dogs and interrupted me repeatedly while I was trying to listen to my Bible in a Year video.  I finally gave up.  It’s so weird.  As long as I’m not doing something for myself, he leaves me alone.  I can work from home and he will leave me be, but if I try to take a class online, he won’t leave me alone. The minute I try to do anything for me, he’s pestering me.  Mind you I chat with him and give him lots of time.  All of his needs are met as well.  But it is never enough. He always wants more. I finally told him I was going to lie down. and he was welcome to join me.  After I had dozed off, he came in and switched on the overhead light.   He informed me he had forgotten I was in there.  He turned off the light and shuffled off.  After I dozed off again, he decided the dogs needed their collars removed.  In he came again. Jingle, jingle, jingle. I gave up and came back into the living room.  He then decides to stay in the bedroom and lie down!  Aargh.  

I later saw the light in the maintenance room come on.  I can see it from my living room window.  I went in and found him messing about. The last thing I needed was him flicking switches and valves. He can no longer fix anything but he is really good at destroying.  I got him out of there, and he complained he was cold.  He headed for the pellet stove.  He likes the hot air that blows out from the vents. I got my electric blanket and convinced him to sit in his chair under it.  He loved it.  So it’s his now.  At least he won’t be standing in the warm pellet stove air. He has burn scars all over his torso.  The pellet stove air dries them out and makes him itch miserably.  It’s taken a good week to get it cleared up lathering him with lotion several times a day.

Later I experienced vertigo twice. I don’t know if it was stress or the crystals in my ears shuffling.  Weird I must say.