Tag Archive | loss

Never Truly Alone, Walking It With Him

May13

I live in a Catholic world. It is not an easy path to follow at all. In truth, it can be quite hard. I have friends from many different walks of life. I love my friends who live in the secular world, even if I do not always approve of their choices. Regardless, I still love them unconditionally. I wish them well and want the best for them, even the ones who have hurt me. I try never to hurt anyone, even when I disagree with them. Admittedly, I have foundered in that area lately and feel horrible. All I can do is apologize.

Catholicism is integrated into my daily life. I fail terribly at times. I strive to honor God in how I live, but being human, temptations can easily pull me off that narrow path. My chosen way of life is strict in many ways, yet when I stay on that path, I find peace. It is usually when I veer away from it that I find confusion, sadness, and misery within myself. That confusion, sadness, and misery can easily affect others as well. I have to remind myself of this daily. Everything I do and say has consequences, and those consequences matter to me and to the people I love.

For me, that faith also shaped my understanding of marriage. There was trust, loyalty, and commitment between Dave and me. That does exist outside the Catholic faith too, of course, because goodness exists in many people regardless of religion. Still, I believe my faith gave our marriage structure, accountability, and purpose. In a world that often feels chaotic and uncertain, that stability mattered deeply to me. Dave and I knew where we stood with one another.

I struggle to understand modern relationships sometimes. So much of the world now feels temporary and disposable. People move in and out of each other’s lives quickly, often leaving hurt behind them. Perhaps they are searching for happiness, but I sometimes wonder if they are truly finding it. Yes, there are miserable married Catholics. I feel very blessed to have shared life with a man such as Dave. He wasn’t passionate, but he loved me, and that matters more than anything. I’ve had passion. It is absolutely marvelous, but passion itself isn’t enough. Love, however, is.

I miss the stability our marriage brought. I miss the protection I had. I don’t know if I will ever encounter it again. I have to find a way to hold that stability within myself now that my Dave is gone. It will take time, I know. Somehow, I will find it.

Ultimately, Catholicism gives me direction, meaning, continued spiritual growth, and above all, peace—when I stay on the path I believe I am meant to follow. I am learning how to continue, even while falling occasionally, and with God’s grace, standing back up, brushing myself off, and carrying on this journey—never truly alone, but walking it with Him.

When Everything Becomes Loss

May12

Loss is a dark shadow that follows everyone. Unfortunately, some people experience it more often than others. Most loss comes with grief that never fully lets up. It stays every single day, reminding us of what we lost. Sometimes it is death, divorce, a lover, a friend, financial loss, or even the loss of passion. The list can go on.

I’ve experienced the loss of everything I listed. These losses domino into more losses — future plans, dreams, and the life you thought you would have. Unfortunately, it is part of life. Life equals death. Death equals loss. It all equates to life — a never-ending process of grieving that becomes part of living itself.

Today I slept. Sleep makes loss more bearable. I don’t have to think. And when I do have to think, at least I can write. Writing seems to help. It’s a release for me.

Life seems surreal, especially since the death of my husband and now the loss of a recent friendship too. My brain is spinning. It analyzes everything. Even when I think I’m not thinking, my subconscious is. Several days later my brain will suddenly spit something out I hadn’t consciously been thinking about, and out it comes. It can be maddening.

My companions, Starfire and Kaya, are aging rapidly. Both are 13 years old. Deep in my heart, I know they too will be gone soon enough. I dread the day they leave me. I think perhaps I’ll get another dog and a kitty for companionship, but then I’m just setting myself up for more loss. I’m beginning to feel like it might be safer not to open myself up so freely again. I’d rather build a wall around myself — minus the drawbridge and moat — than let myself love too deeply again, because when I love, I give my heart 100%. And when they are gone, it feels like a piece of it goes with them.

I thought about hopping on a plane today and just leaving for a while. Going somewhere no one knows me. A different environment. Thanks to the cost of fuel right now, that’s out of the question. I guess that can equate to another loss.

So I’ve come to the conclusion, for now, that life is death — the death of family, lovers, friendships, happy futures, and dreams, and how we deal with them. It feels like everything meaningful eventually becomes something I have to let go of, and I have to learn to live with it. Loss never ends, and neither does learning. I find myself in a place where I feel more guarded with my heart, holding tightly to what I already have.

His Dementia

Oct24

I didn’t realize how bad his dementia was getting until yesterday.  He now writes himself notes and sticks them to the wall so he doesn’t forget.  I’m referring to my husband.  He told me last night he wanted to spend Saturday with me.  He then wrote a note and stuck it to the wall to remind himself.  We all make lists, so we don’t forget, but he’s never done this before.  He forgets conversations from the day before.  I’ve begged him to see the doctor.  He informed me he did.  The doc told him not to worry, it is just old age.  This is not just old age.  My hubby knows this.  He’s scared and refuses to deal with it, and I’m not to bother him about.  So I cry on the inside as I see his mind diminishing slowly.  I love him.  I don’t want to lose him.  He’s been through so much in his lifetime, unlike the average person.  As a child he was burned on over 85% of his body.  He nearly died.  He still remembers the torturous treatments he went through in the hospital.  He was there for over a year.  Then later in life, he’s broken bones all over his body due to his job in construction, and two crushed legs from being pinned between two cars.  He’s meant to be here for sure.  He’s loved my children like they are his own.  He’s spoiled them rotten, and still is even as adults.  He’s loved me unlike any person in this world ever has.  I love my husband.  Seeing his mind slowly going is killing me.